The Cast of Ruroken and How to NOT Write a Fanfic
by Autumn Ruby
Summary: This was intended to be a bit of a parody of the far too numerous badly done, Mary Sueridden fanfictions with their hoards of cliched plots. Follow the Kenshingumi as they attempt to deal with dear, heavenly Marachan and her corruption of their adventu


Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Rurouni Kenshin. However, as I have recently discovered an Asian foodmarket near my campus, I do own a few boxes and/or packages of imported candy bought at really good prices. ...of which I plan on eating. nibbles oO;

Author's Notes: Ah, well, what can I say? I have a... unique breed of twisted humor. Enjoy, darlings.

**Chapter One: Enter the Beautiful, the Wonderful, the Angel From on High, Mara-chan.**

The moon was shining brightly over the fields of grass and freshly blossomed wildflowers. Newly opened blossoms turned their vibrantly colored petals towards the sky, and the grass lifted its sweet smell to all who would pass by. Birds sang in the trees, and small woodland creatures scurried back and forth according to a daily ritual older than people have had the opportunity to witness. All in all, it was a typical lovely, storybook-setting springtime night in Tokyo during the time known as the Meiji.

Amidst this fairytale scene, a young woman stood alone on a hill overlooking a path lined with the fragile, fleeting beauty of bloomed sakura trees. The moonlight gleamed against her beautiful blonde hair, illuminating it so that it appeared to shine as a halo around her angelic visage, the strands golden like spun sunlight and as fine as the most luxurious Chinese silk. A gentle toss of her head, and these wondrous, perfect strands fluttered enticingly around as she spun, the world seeming to revolve around her and only around her as she paused to inhale the scent of spring's beauty; a beauty unequaled, except perhaps by this human perfection. And this fallen angel seemed to be beyond perfect: from the pale luster of milky smooth skin, to the brilliant amethyst orbs of her crystalline violet eyes, to a shapely body that looked as if it could belong to no mere mortal. Truly, this was a goddess descended to Earth from on high; she could have been Aphrodite, she could have been a tennyo. Surely this was no earthly maiden! Alas, not with such perfect curves (at a size C cup, neither too large nor too small for her heavenly frame!) and such a long, lithe body with so wondrous a figure! She was lightly muscled, but only enough to take away the jiggle of loose, excess flesh. It didn't hamper the overall soft feel of this heavenly maiden's awe-inspiring form!

One leg lifted to set itself back upon the ground a mere heartbeat later; she had taken a step! And, what a step it had been! The grass seemed to part for her, the trees and other testaments to nature's wondrous powers of creation appearing subdued by this ethereal creature's stunning beauty! Lo and behold, music surrounded this fair maiden as well, and it was a heavenly tune, the likes of which will probably never be heard by mortal man again. Those were her themes; beauty, elegance, grace, and perfection. And such a creature had yet even to speak.

But, there was a cursed, horrible imperfection upon this lovely young woman's physique. After all, every good character must have a flaw or two. And, oh, did this young woman have a flaw! For there existed, in the very middle of her chin, the most sizeable and most horrendous-appearing pimple to ever be seen! It was large and seemed almost to faintly pulse with her heartbeat, the edge of the great mound a fiery, burning red. It was filled to the brim with horrid pus, turning its surface a murky concoction of whites, yellows, and the occasional greenish tint. Of course, beauty is only skin deep; therefore this young woman had yet another flaw. Unlike the heavenly maidens of legend, this earthen beauty could not sing! Despite her wondrous talent at art and poetry and writing exquisite prose, and her athletic build with speed and strength to match, this luckless lady could not lift her voice in angelic song!

"Oh, such woe becomes me!" the maiden cried out into the night, clenching her slender hands into a fist. "I have this monstrous pimple on my chin, marring my otherwise perfect complexion! And, woe, I have no talent for song…" Her voice broke off into small sobs, broken by tiny hiccups. One hand rose up to brush her shining, silken locks behind an ear.

"And after everything that has happened in my life! My sordid past… (although to others I am dark and mysterious!) How ever can I find my future?"

With a small, desperate sigh, she heaved her slender shoulders and shifted her weight to stand upright again. She had to move on! Breathing another sigh of resolution, this heavenly creature set off down the path. She had not gone far, however, when she could hear the sounds of battle. Up ahead in the clearing, she saw two figures locked in an intense swordfight. One, dimuntitive in size but not in spirit, charged against the other, his red hair gleaming under the moon's cool light. The other met the first's attack with a parry, his mouth twisted in an insane grin. Looking farther, this young woman could see another girl about her own age, struggling for breath, seemingly frozen. Without any pretense, the angelic being knew exactly what was happening! Purely out of reflex, her hands went to the katana sheathed at her side (despite the fact that no katana had been mentioned previously in her extensive description) and slid the blade from its saya with a metallic shing. Her stance conveyed beauty and awe and immense talent (possibly even enough to rival the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!) that, like the sword itself, were previously unmentioned.

"Stop, you must stop! Kenshin!" the blonde young woman cried out, rushing to the scene with godlike speed, and interposing herself between the two fighters.

"Stop, Kenshin! You mustn't revert to Battousai! Jin'e isn't worth it! Kaoru-chan can break the spell on her own, because she loves you so!"

Kenshin could merely blink, looking over at the young woman and then at Jin'e, who was looking at the beautiful blonde with an equal blankness. The amber lingering in his eyes started to fade, because this stranger appeared to have some sort of power! She was strong, he could tell that much by her ken-ki, and she knew so much! She knew his name, and knew he had been Battousai, had spoken of Kaoru-dono so familiarly, and had moved in techniques that mirrored his own Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!

"Who are you, de gozaru?" the stunned rurouni managed to ask, but the woman shook her head and motioned to Kaoru.

"Take care of Kaoru-chan, Kenshin! I can handle this!" And, of course, the rurouni obeyed. Because that was simply the way things went in stories (like these…). With that, the heavenly creature returned her attention to the mass-murderer Kurogasa.

"Uhu-hu-hu… I fight a woman? You shall die quickly," the man remarked with another sinister, somewhat unbalanced laugh. The woman stared back in determination.

"I shan't die! I carry all the love of those that believed in me! And of course that love and belief makes up for any lack of talent or skill or battle experience I might have! I shall defeat you, Udou Jin'e!"

The battle of course raged on, and it was a very long, very entertaining, very intense battle! And, just like this stranger from on high had predicted, Kaoru regained her breath magically! In the end, a wonderful strike from the woman sent the rogue hitokiri from the Bakumatsu, Udou Jin'e, to the ground.

"Defeated…by a woman…uhu-hu-hu…But there is still cleanup to do." With that, he killed himself, and he died. A stunned Kenshin repeated his earlier question:

"Who _are _you, de gozaru?" The young woman held her head high and proud, and began to tell of her family line…

"Marashikara-nihaokaorumegumimisaotomoe Higurashikikyou Smith-hime. But you can call me Mara." She smiled sweetly. Kaoru and Kenshin looked at each other.

"Oro…M…mara-dono," Kenshin managed, looking quite discomfited. Of course, dear, heavenly Mara-chan, despite being fluent in Japanese, had no idea that 'mara' could also translate to 'penis' in said language. She smiled brightly, completely unaware of the discomfiture that her name brought to the red-haired rurouni and the red-faced kendo teacher.

"I bet you've heard of some of my family!" she continued, bubbling on, oblivious as to how she truly sounded.

"I'm the daughter of the great Hiko Seijuro the thirteenth of the Hiten-Mitsurugi Ryu! I learned my sword skills from him," she added proudly. "But I'm really an elf with miko powers, and my mother is a fox demon queen, so that makes me half demon too, and a princess! I'm not even really from this place; I come from a land called Middle Earth. I have an elf betrothed named Legolas, and he is just soooo cute, you have no idea…" she giggled and blushed, bringing her hands to her face as Kenshin and Kaoru merely looked at each other, unsure whether or not to be terrified or overly kind so as not to unbalance the poor child further.

"I have an uncle who's a great wizard, you might have heard of him; Albus Dumbledore! He can do all sorts of nifty spells. And I have a descendant in the future named Harry Potter. Oh, and, did I mention this? My favorite ancestor was a great dog demon named Sesshoumaru…that's who my great looks come from." She smiled in what was supposed to be a charming manner, but only ended up looking sickening.

Kenshin and Kaoru exchanged yet another frightened glance. Well, not quite frightened; since when was Kaoru afraid of anything she could give a good wallop or two with her bokken of fury? And the former hitokiri Battousai didn't exactly run in terror from unhinged teenage girls (however perfectly proportioned this blonde beauty from on high might have been).

"Oh, but look at how the time has passed!" she said, turning to face them with sudden determination, the sword and sheath from earlier disappeared as mysteriously as they had appeared. Her blonde locks framed her perfect complexion (save for the monstrous defect marring her otherwise beautiful chin!), swaying with her movements and shining as spun gold in the pale moonlight. With the same determination in her gleaming amethyst eyes (oh, how unique a color!), she took hold of Kaoru's hands and met the kendo teacher's confused gaze.

"Forgive me dearly for not mentioning this prior, as I only just now remembered, dear Kaoru-chan, but my entire reasoning behind coming here was to see you. We are, after all, cousins," Mara-chan said with another starry-bright smile, her white teeth gleaming like the finest alabaster stone. "I hope it wouldn't inconvenience you to allow me to stay for a while? I'm sure I could be helpful in your upcoming adventures."

For her part, Kaoru was terrified. It took all of her strength to not wince and burst into tears at the thought of the young woman staying with her. It took even more strength besides to withstand the overwhelming nauseous urge to vomit at the thought of being related to the piteous creature. However, as she told herself mentally, every family had its eccentricities, and it was the duty of the family to care in the time of need. And, Kami-sama be praised, this young cousin of hers had needs. Poor, pitiable Mara-chan… insane though she might have been, she was family. With a kind smile and the same gentleness reflected in her bright azure eyes, Kaoru squeezed the girl's hands in her own.

"We don't have a lot at the dojo, M-Mara-chan," she said, the gulp at the girl's name shaking her resolution to be overly kind, "but you are welcome to what we have. After all, family is family." At the last she looked up at Kenshin, meeting the rurouni's understanding amethyst eyes. What else could she have done?

A/N: To be continued? P


End file.
